As some of you may know, I created a podcast! The purpose of it is to highlight the lives of strippers and other people in nightlife. Dancers especially deal with social stigma and stereotyping so I wanted to allow them to show a non-conventional side to stripper life. I wanted to allow them to promote their side businesses or side projects because many of them are entrepreneurs. Many of them have identities that would surprise you. Many of them are doing admirable and big things. I wanted to be a source of information for other dancers, aspiring dancers, people that know nothing of nightlife and are just curious, and especially a source of information for strip club customers. The first two episodes are out already and the third one will be coming out on August 21. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel as I will be publishing episodes every week. And please also subscribe to my SoundCloud account as it will have the audio from every interview. Thanks for your support!
I’m pretty disturbed, ya’ll.
I had an experience a couple days ago that I can’t shake. It has shifted my psyche. My world is a bit different now.
I invited a guy friend over to smoke. We have hung out briefly before and established that he has a girlfriend. We chilled and talked but as he was leaving he attempted to get me in bed. Fucking typical.
Let me just leave a side note here: PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS DON’T EXIST IN MY WORLD. NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. I END UP LOOKING IGNORANT.
So. I asked for clarification: “You still have a girlfriend, don’t you?”
He said yes.
I said, “Well let me take this opportunity to ask you…what is missing from your current relationship that would make you want to cheat on her?”
“Nothing I’m actually really happy and we have sex all the time.”
“So you’re perfectly happy, but you still want to cheat?”
“You’re just so fucking sexy”
I don’t know what kind of human you are reading this, but instead of throwing him in my bed, I started crying. I was so sad that the concept of monogamy was being destroyed in my mind. Personally, I am not the type to crave a variety of sexual experiences. All I want is an emotional connection with someone that I can enhance with sex. I don’t fuck randos to satisfy “an urge”. That doesn’t even make sense to me. If I don’t feel a connection, and you offer me sex, I literally think of you as a dirty stranger.
He made a case for polyamory, which he seems to support fully. But cheating in secret is NOT polyamory. Polyamory requires TRUST most of all. Lying ruins trust. He just wanted to fuck.
I was legitimately heartbroken in tears and I made him leave.
I was crying for his girlfriend. I was crying because I COULD HAVE just fucked him and passed on the guilt. But I kept feeling like his girlfriend is like my sister. I don’t even know her. Yes, that would make it easier to betray her, but that’s what also makes it so awful. I couldn’t knowingly enable his cheating.
No. Just no.
I understand not everyone prefers monogamy. But it is a value of mine. If you want to sleep around, just be single. Don’t hurt anyone. Don’t keep secrets. Own your sexual practices. Be responsible.
On the real:
Why would ANYONE knowingly have sex with someone who is cheating on their partner? First, you’d be fucking someone you know for a fact is a cheater. Nothing can grow from that. You’d never be able to consider being in a relationship with that person, because you know he’s a lying cheater. You would be GIFTING a terrible person. Pretty much everyone loses in the end.
I felt like I had just witnessed the ugly truth of what men do behind closed doors. I felt like, “this is what they ALL do?” Even if they are HAPPY????? What’s the fucking point in ever expecting loyalty? They’re just going to lie.”
If there are any guys out there that are disgusted by cheating and prefer monogamy, I’d love to know that they aren’t all like that.
My trust is ruined. Oh well.
I’ve gotten this question more than usual lately because I shared my recent profession with Facebook, which includes past schoolmates and family. I had sort of abandoned my Facebook the past year not only because of my ex, but also because the limited amount of things I was willing to share about my new Colorado life. Usually people share about their relationship (ugh), job (no), and free time (nonexistent). So when I shared the link to this blog on Facebook, many people were surprised at the turn my life has taken. I will go into detail about this since I bet many more people are curious about…WHY?
My ex decided to move here and I just went with it. I needed to get out of California and I didn’t care where I went next. It sounds simple, but it’s not. My apathy played a major role. Why would anyone be so apathetic about a huge life change like moving to another state and starting over? Well…there are many reasons.
I had been attempting to finish my bachelors’ degree while getting a divorce and working two jobs (bad idea). Not only was I healing heartbreak and trauma, I was going to school for marketing, which I wasn’t passionate about. I chose it because marketing was the most creative business school major. I was too afraid to major in fine arts because I thought it wouldn’t yield a high paycheck in the end. I was still at an amazing school doing well, but a bit too well. I literally was putting minimal effort in every class, still getting A’s and B’s. I would write a paper an hour before class and get 11/10. I would never open the book once and be in class stoned every day and pass everything. WHAT THE FUCK. I started getting discouraged at how it was all just an illusion. I was just going through the motions, learning nothing, passing classes with no effort, paying SO much money at this private school. FOR WHAT????? For what?
When the idea of the school system crumbled in my mind, I got extremely depressed. I was putting so much into school, which now meant nothing to me. I was working two jobs to pay for tuition and the divorce lawyer. Nothing meant anything. I became diagnosed with major depression in my last year at SCU. I started seeing the school psychologist and psychiatrist. Yes, both. I started taking Prozac in hopes that I could be functional by the second half of the year and graduate. I was on Prozac for 8 months. I still couldn’t function in school and now I was a zombie as well. My last session with my counselors concluded that I would be put on medical leave from the university. It would allow me to return and finish within 5 years. It’s a comforting thought that I could still go back and finish, but theres more to consider.
I started dating my ex Jesse while my life was taking this turn. I was a shell of a human at this point. The only value he held was being able to comfort me, but that was the most important thing at the time. My best friend had cut me out of his life because of my new boyfriend. All I knew was I was ready to move out of my parent’s house and never accidentally run into my ex-husband at the gas station.
Jesse had been working at the Tesla plant in Fremont and believed that he could transfer to a service center in Colorado, where he wanted to move. We learned he was wrong about this only after we were done moving here.
He was jobless for most of 2016.
Someone had to pay the bills.
After Jesse suggested I try stripping (he’s from Las Vegas) we checked out the best club close to our apartment, Shotgun Willies. I looked around and said, “I could do this”. All I gotta do is take my top off and just dance??? Okay. Wait but you mean all I have to do is serve my best groove topless? Yes.
If you really know me, you know I am a dancer through and through. I took so many “fun” classes in college, they turned into a liberal arts degree. Dance is my passion. I am the happiest when I’m dancing. I used to teach dance! I hadn’t had the opportunity to take any classes or perform a routine in way too long. It was actually a large reason for my depression. When I don’t dance, I feel purposeless. So when I learned I could get paid to dance, I jumped on it. Also I secretly hated Jesse for dropping the ball so hard, I didn’t mind letting other guys look at me.
Since then I’ve acquired skills, techniques, hustles, and first-hand knowledge about how men operate in secret. Yes, I’ve learned and been shocked by a lot. The reality is, it doesn’t matter if a man has a woman or not. His woman can still make him feel lonely. Loneliness will make men do crazy things. I am grateful for being able to learn this element of human behavior because before I was extremely naive. I needed it. I believe I will have less heartbreak now in general because I’m so well-versed in the bullshit of men. With everything I’ve learned, all things considered, I believe I was guided to this profession.
In fact, I know I was guided. I know on a spiritual level, but also I can see how good this is for me. All I ever wanted to do was dance. Now I’m getting paid for it. Now I can support myself anywhere in the world. Now I can fund my dreams. I plan to move to LA when my lease ends in January. I need the rest of this year to pay off my debt and raise $5,000 for the move. In that time I plan to start filming videos for youtube (stay tuned). I’m gonna audition for anything and everything in LA and see where I land. Before stripping there was no way for me make money and be happy. There was no way for me to make enough money to ever have the freedom to follow my dreams.
Everything that happened to me has helped me turn my life towards my passion. Now I’m on the fast track to following my dreams. It’s about time.
“Why did you become an exotic dancer?”
Because now I’m free.
I’m awake rather early today! Yesterday I rested at home all day (still fighting a cold). Today I want to lay out and tan, do some squats, and go to work at La Boheme! I got hired there on Monday, about which I was so relieved. Being an unemployed stripper is extremely frightening. The amount of debt that piled up after missing a weekend of work is alarming. But I know I can make it back….and get rent.
I won’t go into detail, but I got a 2 week suspension from Shotgun Willies. I allegedly threatened a customer (that assaulted me). Yeah, I know, I know. Don’t get me started.
I only worked one shift at La Boheme so far, but I had an amazing first impression. There are a few differences between Shotguns and LaBo. The first is…FULL NUDE dances! Of course getting fully nude is optional, but TBH I find it a relief that I can provide the kind of service that makes the customer feel like they got something for their money…without doing too much. “Flash the gash” for $40? Yup. The selling point is much easier when trying to score a dance. Essentially… “wanna see my hoohah?”…BOOM sold. At Shotguns, flashing the gash is not allowed, so selling a dance is different. When it comes to “the kitten”, I enforce a look but don’t touch policy. I am so happy I’ve had a year of stripping to help me establish boundaries, which I didn’t know how to establish last year. Also, I can also now more easily determine if someone is too drunk to serve in a lap dance setting (that can be a disaster, especially for full nude dances). When I first started dancing, the full nude thing was a major fail, but now I am much more comfortable. Knock on wood that nothing ruins that!
The other things I loved about LaBo included:
- It’s an easy drive from my apartment, not too far away even though it’s downtown.
- There is a big poster in the dressing room spelling out what the patrons are entitled to when they visit the club. This ensures that the dancers remember to provide customer service! Shotguns needs this.
- It felt really professional in there, management seemed on point.
- The GM Amanda is a lady (usually a good thing)!
- Stages have no poles! I would normally hate this, but I am healing a set of bruised ribs, so resting off of the pole is a good idea. Bone bruises take like 2 months to heal. Mine has been bothering me since Memorial Day 😦
- There are three main stages instead of seven! Having gotten used to seven main stages, I have learned to pull attention towards me when I’m dancing. It’s the only way to lure customers when there are so many options! So with less stages, it’s much easier to attract customers.
- Selling suites is more straight forward. Prices are set so it’s easier for me to sell.
- I don’t have to commit to a set schedule for the week. A huge part of being an independent contractor that I love is going to work when I feel like it. I like to listen to my body and soul when they tell me, “Not today”.
I hope my first impression at La Boheme was accurate! We’ll see what it’s like when I work on a weekend instead of a slow Monday. I will be there at least until my suspension expires, but I think I’ll be splitting my time between both clubs after that. It’s great having options.
Wish me luck getting out of my financial hole! I pray by the end of the month I will be caught up again.
I can finally blog via laptop and I’m beyond excited! I’ve been trying to get a new laptop for at least a year and the day has finally come! I will be posting at least once a week (probably more) and I will be making videos as well!
The past week has been very eventful to say the least. It ended with me depressed and sick with a cold. So I took care of some unfinished business. I got a psychic reading, got my laptop from Best Buy, treated myself to an iced coffee from Starbucks, picked up bananas, and went to the mall for makeup and a Victoria’s Secret shopping spree. This might not sound like an accomplishment as you read it, but it was for me. I had just spent 3 days sulking on my bed doing nothing!
My psychic, Zoe Kelly, was introduced to me last December when I got a reading at the Shotgun Willies Christmas Party. I will be doing a video about her 30 minute reading with me soon. All in all, I left the session feeling motivated and positive. So stay tuned for my video about the psychic reading. I will post it here!
If people try to pull off my underwear or shove a dollar into my crotch to cop a feel:
“Did you ask for consent to touch me there?”
Filming anything in the strip club is illegal. When I catch someone filming me:
“Filming is illegal. If I wanted to do porn, I’d make way more money than this. You have to delete it.” (Usually I snatch the phone out of their hands and delete it myself- other girls will break the phone completely.)
When people smack my ass without permission, I hold out my hand and say:
“Did you ask for consent to touch me there? I accept apologies in the form of money.”
When customers pawn off their uninterested friend for a lap dance:
“I take willing customers only.”
When they ask for my real name after I tell them my stage name:
“If you want to get personal you should buy my time for an hour and I’ll tell you everything.”
When people ask me for drugs:
“Sorry officer, I can’t help you.”
When they ask what I’m doing after work:
“Showering, eating, and sleeping peacefully with my dog.”
When customers get too handsy I grab their wrists like a child and place them off of me. If they don’t take the hint and continue being handsy, I forfeit their money and give attention to someone else.
Tonight I was asked by two dudes to give them a tandem lap dance. One of the dudes was squeezing me forcibly between his legs and trying to reach into my crotch. The other was a gentleman. Despite that, I dismissed them both and forfeited the lap dance 30 seconds in. I simply stood up waved them off and said “you’re dismissed”. I apologized to the sweetheart that was a gentleman but explained I don’t play that way.
Play by my rules or I will refuse to serve you. Guess what? Forfeiting the money of idiots only streamlines the money I earn from respectful patrons. AKA: I don’t need your money- I’ll take his instead.
It is 9:22 AM on Tuesday and I’m already fully pissed off by two different people. The first was a photographer, @coloradovisions2016 on Instagram, who contacted me on Monday asking me to do a paid photoshoot the same day with hours notice. After we properly rescheduled for a shoot at his house for Wednesday, he then proceeded to go to my job, Shotgun Willies, that same night and asked me for a lap dance. This was all over text, as I was home sleeping. I was not working that night. I told him I don’t really cross those paths. I don’t allow photographers to get lap dances from me. It’s just not professional. So he then over text said I’m canceling our photo shoot he said “fuck ya.”
But anyway the second person to piss me off was my ex Jesse. He began adding me on my social media and then proceeded to post a photo of us with a heartfelt note to me on our old joint account. I then told him to delete that account and to fuck off.
But then it made me start thinking about things I’m sitting here smoking a bowl reflecting on what has just happened. I need to write this down because this is very important for every woman that may be in my position to know. I have to share this information with you because this applies to us all.
I put 100% of myself into three separate relationships. I was fully committed and fully in love; head over heels. I did that three times in a row. Each time I was in a relationship something important in my own life was struggling- whether it was school or my career. That is a clear message that I have to focus on myself for a long time to make up for lost time. I must only do things that I want to do at any given moment. Not one more decision will be made by another person in my life. I decide everything. No conversation exists where I say,
“I wanted to do this but my boyfriend said he wanted to do that so we decided to compromise and we’re going to do what he wants this time and maybe will do what I want next time.”
Like, no. Relationships slow down my life and I can’t allow room for that anymore. I have to fill out my entire life with myself. I’ve been neglecting myself for these men. Three relationships in a row equals a decade, girl. I see my girl Delaney over here 20 years old killing it (she’s a rapper just wait till her album drops) and I know I was that passionate at her age; I just didn’t have the confidence. I believed it was unrealistic around unreasonable to believe that I could achieve certain things. I’m behind about a decade, behind but it’s OK because I’m going to succeed no matter what. Timing is divine, you know.
But to the ladies out there, I want to say: pay attention to the patterns in your life. Have some self-reflection and treat yourself like your own best friend. If you would in your head treat your best friend better than you would treat yourself, something is wrong. The way that you would treat your best friend is the way that you should treat yourself at all times. The advice that you would give to your best friend about a guy that made her cry is the same advice that you should give yourself about that guy you’re crying about.
In the almost 4 months that I’ve been single, my career has finally started to blossom and gain momentum. But most importantly, I can say no to a man and still be powerful.
💋Amanda Sophia // MissMagnolia