I’ve gotten this question more than usual lately because I shared my recent profession with Facebook, which includes past schoolmates and family. I had sort of abandoned my Facebook the past year not only because of my ex, but also because the limited amount of things I was willing to share about my new Colorado life. Usually people share about their relationship (ugh), job (no), and free time (nonexistent). So when I shared the link to this blog on Facebook, many people were surprised at the turn my life has taken. I will go into detail about this since I bet many more people are curious about…WHY?
My ex decided to move here and I just went with it. I needed to get out of California and I didn’t care where I went next. It sounds simple, but it’s not. My apathy played a major role. Why would anyone be so apathetic about a huge life change like moving to another state and starting over? Well…there are many reasons.
I had been attempting to finish my bachelors’ degree while getting a divorce and working two jobs (bad idea). Not only was I healing heartbreak and trauma, I was going to school for marketing, which I wasn’t passionate about. I chose it because marketing was the most creative business school major. I was too afraid to major in fine arts because I thought it wouldn’t yield a high paycheck in the end. I was still at an amazing school doing well, but a bit too well. I literally was putting minimal effort in every class, still getting A’s and B’s. I would write a paper an hour before class and get 11/10. I would never open the book once and be in class stoned every day and pass everything. WHAT THE FUCK. I started getting discouraged at how it was all just an illusion. I was just going through the motions, learning nothing, passing classes with no effort, paying SO much money at this private school. FOR WHAT????? For what?
When the idea of the school system crumbled in my mind, I got extremely depressed. I was putting so much into school, which now meant nothing to me. I was working two jobs to pay for tuition and the divorce lawyer. Nothing meant anything. I became diagnosed with major depression in my last year at SCU. I started seeing the school psychologist and psychiatrist. Yes, both. I started taking Prozac in hopes that I could be functional by the second half of the year and graduate. I was on Prozac for 8 months. I still couldn’t function in school and now I was a zombie as well. My last session with my counselors concluded that I would be put on medical leave from the university. It would allow me to return and finish within 5 years. It’s a comforting thought that I could still go back and finish, but theres more to consider.
I started dating my ex Jesse while my life was taking this turn. I was a shell of a human at this point. The only value he held was being able to comfort me, but that was the most important thing at the time. My best friend had cut me out of his life because of my new boyfriend. All I knew was I was ready to move out of my parent’s house and never accidentally run into my ex-husband at the gas station.
Jesse had been working at the Tesla plant in Fremont and believed that he could transfer to a service center in Colorado, where he wanted to move. We learned he was wrong about this only after we were done moving here.
He was jobless for most of 2016.
Someone had to pay the bills.
After Jesse suggested I try stripping (he’s from Las Vegas) we checked out the best club close to our apartment, Shotgun Willies. I looked around and said, “I could do this”. All I gotta do is take my top off and just dance??? Okay. Wait but you mean all I have to do is serve my best groove topless? Yes.
If you really know me, you know I am a dancer through and through. I took so many “fun” classes in college, they turned into a liberal arts degree. Dance is my passion. I am the happiest when I’m dancing. I used to teach dance! I hadn’t had the opportunity to take any classes or perform a routine in way too long. It was actually a large reason for my depression. When I don’t dance, I feel purposeless. So when I learned I could get paid to dance, I jumped on it. Also I secretly hated Jesse for dropping the ball so hard, I didn’t mind letting other guys look at me.
Since then I’ve acquired skills, techniques, hustles, and first-hand knowledge about how men operate in secret. Yes, I’ve learned and been shocked by a lot. The reality is, it doesn’t matter if a man has a woman or not. His woman can still make him feel lonely. Loneliness will make men do crazy things. I am grateful for being able to learn this element of human behavior because before I was extremely naive. I needed it. I believe I will have less heartbreak now in general because I’m so well-versed in the bullshit of men. With everything I’ve learned, all things considered, I believe I was guided to this profession.
In fact, I know I was guided. I know on a spiritual level, but also I can see how good this is for me. All I ever wanted to do was dance. Now I’m getting paid for it. Now I can support myself anywhere in the world. Now I can fund my dreams. I plan to move to LA when my lease ends in January. I need the rest of this year to pay off my debt and raise $5,000 for the move. In that time I plan to start filming videos for youtube (stay tuned). I’m gonna audition for anything and everything in LA and see where I land. Before stripping there was no way for me make money and be happy. There was no way for me to make enough money to ever have the freedom to follow my dreams.
Everything that happened to me has helped me turn my life towards my passion. Now I’m on the fast track to following my dreams. It’s about time.
“Why did you become an exotic dancer?”
Because now I’m free.